Happiness Is Frightening

Sounds bizarre, I know. I’m merely human. An occasional pessimist and over-thinker, at that. 

A conversation I had with my mother not too long ago goes like…

“Anak, you don’t seem to pleased with all the blessings you’ve been receiving.”

“Ma, I’m grateful. I don’t know why I’m receiving all of it, though. I haven’t done much, I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to be too happy. It only means I’m about to come across a ‘road block’. Then, I’ll be miserable, again.”

In the last quarter of 2016, I applied to an academic program at my university. Applying and being accepted into that program is something that I’ve dreamed about. If ever, it’ll be a game-changer to my future career. I was aware of what I was getting myself into and how gruelling the process is. As time passed, my hope diminished, for no apparent reason. I slowly started to accept that this program may not be for me, and there will be another opportunity that will come my way in the future; one that will mould my aspirations with care and firmness. So, I let time do what it does best. 

Not too long ago, I received an email - to my surprise, letting me know that I’m eligible and have been chosen to be given a scholarship grant (for everyday expenses and such), in the case that my application will be accepted. I was astounded. My parents were over the moon, and I should have been too, right? I was rather meek and anxious about it. A wave of pressure loomed over me. Though, in contrast, my hope, acted as if it has a life of its own, took off. 

Maybe I was in denial of this humble achievement, or skeptical, perhaps? It was too good to be true. In midst of all these clashing emotions, I knew one thing for sure; I was and am happy. That happiness was short-lived though, as I rapidly became terrified. Terrified because of the disappointment that will come with knowing I have a grant and not being accepted? Terrified because I know how devastated I’ll be? To this day, zilch. Sa lahat ng mga ayaw ko, ang pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat at yung umasa kasi masakit. Hindi mabilis na process ang pag-gather ng disappointed pieces then re-build my confidence. That night, when I had my nightly conversation with my Lord, I wept as I questioned Him, why?  Why did the good things come now? Why are You suddenly lifting my hopes up? Even if I know that it would take something as spectacular as moving mountains for a successful application. 

As we speak (or shall I say, as I speak?), everything is still a work in progress. There’s no assurance, no final word. I’m still on a battle with my demons but I shall not back down and be afraid, I know that my God won’t leave me out in the dark for He IS the light. 

Father’s Day

For your fingers that served as tissues to wipe my sweat and tears and I struggled

For your hands - a platform composed of infinite tenderness,

Merely a touch, yet powerful enough to move the dark clouds to make space for the sun

For your legs; that physically wore itself out for my comfort

For your mind; for serving knowledge on a plate

to show me that learning is there and it’s there for us to take

For your heart, that intertwines with mine,

that strengthens my unstable foundation -

But most of all

Thank you for your strength and spirit, for fighting a draining battle

To me a definition of a dad is someone who still puts a smile on his face to comfort those who depend on him

And, that’s exactly what you did

For that, I will strive to make sure that your sacrifices during that turmoil, from now, will be exchanged with joy and contentment

that will erase the remainders that were left by a subtle monster

“Struggling to seek for light in my darkest times, is now a distant memory in my mind. As I’ve realised in my quiet moments that all the torment I experienced allowed me to love you in way that can outlive time.”